7:39 a.m. / July 15, 2006 - -
ttttonight
A field in wisconsin across from a mansion with gargoyles and an electic fence. Kids from high school still talking about high school, and hey wasn't that like two years ago? Two and a half years? Are you still thinking about that? What the hell is wrong with you!?So at this party I went to I was talking with people about the idea that everything is in our heads, in your head, my head, whoever's head and basically there were three reactions: 1.) The drunken girls who screamed in denial (please stop, don't talk about that, it scares me, I don't want to think that hard! give me prada and celebrity fantasy, instead!) 2.) The tough guys without brains who denounced me as crazy and 3.) Those who said, "Hey! I have thought about that before too!" and who expounded some of their own ideas.
We are only given one moment at a time. We are only given ONE moment at a time. Never more than one. Just this one existence, and then it's gone and there's another, and another, and the past ones slip away into nothingness.
You tell people things like this, and they look at you and say, "YOU are fucked up!" and you look at them and all of the walls they've built, all of the conditioning they've had programmed into them, and you see for yourself that it is them, they are the fucked up ones. They are the ones who are so far removed from their true forms, so barricaded behind emotional and societally based walls as to no longer appear human. They come off as a farce. I've been chipping away at the walls as they've been built up for years. So what if I'm weird. I don't care. God bless it, even. I was weird by other people's standards before acid. Now I'm weird by other people's standards after acid, whoopity shit. But by my standards I'm fine, and by the standards of the people I care about most, I'm fine, and if I'm not, then fuck them. I don't need to be anything for anyone else, I'm sorry, that's just how it is. I'm not going to think any way other than what comes to me, I'm not going to act accordingly because anyone else wants me to. I can conform out of respect when I feel it is merited. But I refuse to just to appease the public en masse. They don't know me, how can they be so quick to judge me? Talk to me. Speak to me. Quit making assumptions about me. I was walking out of the grocery store the other day and there were children playing freely on the spinning ponies that weren't spinning, and as I was about to put fifty cents in for them their sour-faced mother yelled at them, told them to stop that, that it was pissing HER off. Even as CHILDREN we're told that, yes, this is how you are supposed to act at THIS age, this is how you are supposed to act at another, this is how it has to be. You have to "grow up", grow out of being playful, grow out of being happy, grow out of being without an ego. You have to grow into your ego, boast yourself, be strong and domineering. Get more shit. Get better shit than your neighbors. Get the most money, and you'll be happier. That is complete bullshit. Lay in the grass if you feel like it. Get your feet dirty. Don't be afraid to be naked in body and in mind. Don't be afraid to be completely open with other people. Don't settle for anyone elses standards.
Recipe for fun:
Go to a party full of ego-driven self-assured asshole jocks.
Bring some liquid acid.
Early in the night, dose a few beers and give them to the biggest dicks of the bunch.
A few hours later, go up to these people and say things like, "Hey so.. I think.. we're all going to die here. Don't you.. feel like that too? Like everyone is turning against you? Everyone is... turning against you. We've been out here for years. You're starving to death. Do you think that we're turning into cats? I feel like a cat. Look at all of these cats, aren't you a cat too?"
Or make it even more lighthearted. Suggest to them that all little girls deserve good cake, and that they deserve good cake also, so obviously, they must be a good little girl.
Let the ultimate ego killer kill their egos. Kill all ego.
