1:38 a.m. / June 19, 2005 - -
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sometimes i will be laying in bed, trying to get to sleep, when my mind becomes preoccupied on a thought. so much so, in fact, that i will not be able to get to sleep until the thought has been enacted. sometimes it is, "urinate" but tonight it is, "write something you'll like reading in the morning".i love new friends, and new friends who are old friends especially so. i secretly hope that my sidekick thinks of me as his sidekick. if i have to introduce him tomorrow, i will say, "hello, my name is adam, and this is my sidekick aaron". i was thinking about how maybe i wouldn't see this new friend who's really an old friend for the rest of the summer. maybe i'd seem them every week. maybe more. i'm not sure. they're going on a road trip after the summer is out, and then from there, north africa. i am envious. but more than that i am excited for them. the anticipation of my own solo adventure is reaching tremendous heights and it could be years off. one thing that has always slept in the back of my mind is that i will not be coming back from this one. i am unsure if that is something likely to come true. my heart feels extraordinarily heavy. i want to feel new earth under my feet. "father's day was invented to make sons feel like shit," i said to myself, staring half awake into my rear view mirror, parked behind some fast food place. then i paused and said it again in the same dull tone. trying to appease myself. i am terribly, terribly excited by the prospect of remaining a living being. breathing, perceiving, thinking, analyzing; i am at the center of a warm and happy universe, the whole world is right there waiting. i refuse to defer love and hope. life will not wait.
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