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11:03 p.m. / March 13, 2005 - - my hands are always dry and cracked after work

i'm in my car writing backwards messages on the fogged over windshield while on break. the notebook i'm writing in is filled with my father's handwriting. he used this in college. on the seat beside me there's a glove compartment road map, put out by reader's digest. it has the entire continental u.s. including alaska, and also canada. i've really been spacing out today at work, moreso than usual, thinking about travel and life and bobby burgess. like a zombie, i will wake up mid-step and not remember what happened in the twenty minute time frame previous.

i came home today, peeled off all of the scabs that had grown over my work-related cuts, and poured peroxide over my hand. it stung. i now associate bubbles with horrible burning pain.

i need to get out of minnesota.

i didn't know who bobby burgess was until i met the girl from las vegas. she was nuts about him. i would say things, or i would do things, and she would say to me, "adam, bobby already did that" and "adam, are you sure you didn't read that in bobby's diary?" but i had never read any of his entries. i had heard of him. i had noticed that many people loved him. that was it, really. and so under her guidance i ended up reading through his entire journal. which is to say she gave me one entry, maybe two, and i became hooked. it was saddening to discover that there was someone so much like me out there, and that he had already established himself; but it was exciting to think that i could actually live like that, that it had been done. and the more i read, the more i felt like a fraud. that i wasn't myself, because i already existed. it made me want to not write anything anymore. it made me question why i was thinking what i was thinking, and it really bothered me for a long time. but. well. i am not bobby burgess. i do not want to be bobby burgess. i want to see what adam d'amalfi has in store for him- if it's similar to bobby, well, i'd be okay with that. i would love that. and if it isn't, that's fine too. or something. i've been thinking about this pretty obsessively for the past three or four days, trying to figure whatever this is out, blah blah blah. why did i use his template? it is aesthetically pleasing, and still simple. gray. i like gray. no bifurcation here.

one of the things about thinking about this as much as i have been is, i have never really been able to make it coherent. logical. smooth. it always feels out of context and skittish. the truth is that i really admire him, he's one of my heroes (along with dan eldon), and that the reason that i really admire him is because i've been like him ever since high school started; filled with wanderlust. the urge to get out of my current surroundings and see something new. only recently have i actually acted on that urge, but i can tell you now that i will continue to. i don't ever want to stop being curious. i don't ever want to stop seeing and experiencing new things. i want to live forever.

template lifted and modded without permission from Bobby Burgess, content � Adam D'Amalfi