12:11 a.m. / March 09, 2005 - -
i was bent metal, you were a flaming wreck
my parents divorced when i was nine. i went to live with my father. my brother went to live with my mother. i saw her once every few weeks. at one point, she had a boyfriend. she moved in with him. his name was jeff succo. i'd go there on the weekends, to their three room home, camp out on the floor with my brother and jeff's son. i recall vividly, trying to open up the door of his all-american four-wheel-drive truck, jerking on the handle, angry- i remember him kneeling down to me and touching me, putting his hand on my shoulder, saying, "it's finesse- not force" and if i were older and stronger i would have shown him what force could do, and i wonder now if he said those words while beating my mother at night. "it's finesse," his hand raised in the air, ready to come down, "not force".and that came into my head today while doing dishes; earlier in the day (this is at work) i daydreamed about hijacking the building and driving it off into the sunset. i also talked to the dishes.
the company i work for, we grow our chickens. they take about a month to bloom. chemical injected blobs of tissue.
when i got off of work there was a girl standing behind the building, on a cell phone saying, "what do you mean that you can't pick me up tonight!?" and i was going to ask her if she needed a ride anywhere, was going to see if i could take her to her home. but, i didn't. it's very odd because i liked her a lot when i worked here before, but now, things are different.
and that girl in las vegas? i still love her, of course. i've only spent three weeks time with her physical manifestation. less, actually. but there have been hours on telephones and pages in letters to fill the gaps. it will never be a question of whether i love her or not, only of if we're anywhere near the same place in our lives. and right now we are not.
i finished reading "everything is illuminated" by johnathan safran foer today. it is very, very good. i recommend it to you all. i also saw the hitchhikers guide to the galaxy movie trailer and am, i must admit, terribly excited about seeing it.
i took care of the letters today before and after work.
