4:37 p.m. / February 21, 2006 - -
it is a sin to live without love
i shaved my facial hair which i was growing out for the loss of a girl. i felt it was the right time, the mourning cycle now at it's end. it feels monumentus to me. i felt as if i would never make it out of that place. i keep a lot of small things. i have a safety pin from a girl in las vegas, a hair bead from dreadlocks which i use a carabiner!?! lock. a small stone i found in south dakota. it had a face drawn on it. wristbands! two small metal rings i stole from work and attached to my wallet chain. they clink when i walk, alerting the observant to my position. the metal tabs on soda cans; i plan to string them up and hang them around my room. i want my whole wall to be covered. i have a diploma but the good it has done me is not evident. i bought a 64-paco of dixon-ticonderoga about a year ago and sharpened them all as soon as i got home. i still have many of them, ready and waiting. i picked up a passport form on the way home today. i've been thinking about working double shifts at the factory, sixteen hour days instead of eight. thousand dollar paychecks are appealing, and the amount of work i'd have to put in should keep me more busy than i have been. the factory is iffy about allowing it but i don't expect time and a half out of the extra hours, as it is entirely my idea. base rate is fine. we're out of the deep freeze now and things are warming up. my feet feel like walking. once the snow melts i want to explore the wildlife preserve near my house for a few days. to be alone, mostly. there are always people around me and i just want to be around something without walls and screens and designer jeans for awhile, it's driving me even more out of my mind, the constant flow of people! i am completely unashamed of who i am for the first time in my life. i have nothing to hide and nothing to fear.
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