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4:48 p.m. / January 09, 2006 - - there's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be

"i hope that one day you will have the experience of doing something you don't understand for someone you love."

sitting here again! i have bad teeth. starting to die. cut back on the carbonated beverages! lower sugar intake! BRUSH! DRINK MILK! i don't want to lose them, really. i like them. i eat with them.

i've been home for awhile now. home home. in my bed (room), though, really, i don't much consider it a home anymore. i feel away from home at home. wouldn't it be nice if there was a room in each house that made someone feel disconnected from the rest of the abode? sometimes it's nice to feel away from home, but right now it's just unwanted. i want to be home but, of course! there is something missing. in me. somewhere. what happened to it?

i love getting stoned and just sitting in my room alone. i get to sit and think about what i'm going to do to liven it up a little. make it more comfortable to be in now that i don't have a vehicle. get rid of the bed, get a futon, maybe a bigger tv, try to keep it under one paycheck. just the rearranging things has me really looking forward to it. i really like my interests, is it weird that i came to that conclusion just today? i don't spend enough time doing things i'm really interested in.

i realized that not writing on the road trip was driving me crazy. something was missing. i didn't have anything to sort out my head via. and it was crazy. i felt completely outside of myself the entire time. i managed to find some post-it notes on the fourth day and started to write mini-pages until half the book was gone and the rest were to be saved for WHO AM I. road games as a way to pass time worked well. south dakota was as it was the last time i saw it. desolate cowtowns and minetowns that made of wood and clay. my hands smell like nicotine. how long has it been? the night before we crashed in sioux falls at an andy's house. aaron is on a cot. a military cot. andy has a black belt in tae-kwon-do and i slept soundly knowing he was there to protect us.

i could tell you nearly every detail of the trip but i'm not going to get into it fully. let's talk craziness.. i will say that it was BIZARRE for me. the people we met. the places we went. the things we went through. zero visibility blizarrd! rapid city and the gigantic hill, fishbowl in the bathroom; CORA! the cheery waitress who was our sunshine for the day. partied in wyoming for two planned nights and one emergency the car is broken down we have greyhound to catch tomorrow new years eve! coincidentally following a crazy van. all of the unspoken things. the wyoming kids knew that the reason i came alone the first night was really because everyone else was uncomfortable, unready. they were unready for that many people too; i was the ambassador. cameraphotos, being picked up randomly while walking on the street (by a kid who i had met the night before), losing my keys and my entire head, even! lost my lense cap. and my earmuffs. i remember feeling as if my blood were liquor and seeing a neon sign in my head flashing, "DETOX!" well, i threw up for a long time, the garbage bag had a nice little pool at the bottom of it, southern comfort.

jack daniels. captain morgan, lord something and some VODKA. ironically, i was on a bus this year on january first and second heading EAST. last year, i was on a bus on january first and second heading WEST. my first car broke down in the city of Wyoming in Minnesota. my second car broke down in Wyoming state. despite losing the car i feel good. it was worth it. i miss the spot on her collar and her ticklishness. the more i saw david and ashley turn into a couple the more i saw little things about her that i missed dearly.

jesus christ, superstar! i'm a little late on watching it but i've hit it every day (along with yellow submarine). i feel bad for jesus. worse for judas.

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