10:05 p.m. / December 25, 2005 - -
i'm still alive
mushrooms were crazy. like, we did a lot of shit, and none of it made any fucking sense. took off my clothes, put them back on. tried to go outside for three hours but never managed it after the first time. i sat in my car and said to myself, "i'm going to die. this is what it's like to die". i cried. i laughed, had to shit and couldn't, the walls breathed, fucking inhaled, exhaled, can't concentrate on video games. we talked, my brother and i, for two hours about the meaning of life and a tree fort he built, fucking, he put days of work and love into that thing and it was a piece of shit but when it was tore down he lost a piece of himself. on tape, laughing, yelling at shit! i have never felt more alone or a part of everything. i felt god. i felt the abscence of god. i'm trying to remember but it's difficult, because it's hard to put yourself back into a state of psychosis once you're out. playing video games was too hard to do. eighteen minute guitar solo. paranoid people will find us! sobriety is weird now. everything just shut off. the trip was over. but. dljglkasdjg;lkdsg it was good. and bad, basically, it was like life condensed. i knew that it would be over eventually here, before the day let out, and i knew that i only had a short amount of time to figure out my purpose here on mushrooms, and all of those doors in my head that were shut from pasts long ago were suddenly opened and i could see the path that brought me to where i am now with crystal clarity, i was able to look at my life from above, objectively, disconnected and i realized that all fear is a creation of my own psyche. later i was riding in a car letting my head hang out of the window and i knew that everything from here on good or bad would be okay.
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