10:29 p.m. / December 15, 2005 - -
tears tears tears
how do i start? let us try to come to some clear idea in our spinning head. what happened tonight.see i called the girl and then, she was crying and she said, "i really need you to come over my dad wants to talk with you". her dad is an officer of the law, so i was wary, but, i knew it would come to this. the confrontation. i told her i didn't feel right about it, but i wasn't going to make her do anything she didn't want to. i figured, "he will yell at me more than talk to me" and i was right for the most part. the problem is that we both care about her. if he didn't care well, tonight wouldn't have happened. and if i didn't care about her, well, tonight wouldn't have happened. it was a shitty way to meet a father for the first time. there was liquor on his breath; the drive over there was the longest of my life. shaking. it was coming to a head, a culmination of all this built up energy and i felt the first wave of it earlier, sitting alone in my room, "negative" and a chill up my spine. i knew something was coming tonight. he accused me of preying on her, basically, and told me how i had used her. it hurt. i sent her an innocent message because she lived in minnesota and seemed cool. her age was listed higher than it was. but i talked with her, and talked with her more, and i'm going to miss it. i remember leaving minnesota and feeling a void. i remember getting back. and the slow working of a kind-of-relationship and then, eventually, i asked her out. about two months ago. and it was only recently that we gave ourselves to eachother. he called me a dopehead and told me i reeked of it. he said i had it on me. many times. asked me how much i had, i told him, "none". many times. i didn't want to go but i went because i knew that it was the right thing to do. let him be angry at me. let him throw his rage at me. let her be there, don't abandon her, show up. he didn't touch me. i didn't touch him. i felt bad. i don't want to communicate this in anything but short truths because that's all that makes sense right now. i don't know where our relationship was going, but i was enjoying it. spending time with her was the high point of my week. i'm quitting it all. he said if it's love i'll see her in two years. but people change in two years and sometimes love isn't enough. i hope that she can still be happy. i hope that she can find someone who is worthy of her love. we're not to communicate until she's 18. his wishes. i hope this is the last time i have to write in here like this, about this girl and she called me just now to say, "he's letting me call." while i said, "you aren't supposed to call me" and she apologizes, said she didn't want us to end like this and i hope that this isn't the end let's just call it an intermission, who knows, but thank you for the time we spent together and thank you for being a part of my life thank you for introducing me to all of the cd's i never got from you and thank you for loving me most of all you can be anything you fucking want to youFIUSADFOJgs;oj;ojg;dsjogdjol;jgds meet me in montauk
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