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7:07 p.m. / September 28, 2005 - - congratulations, you'll be a good older sister. you already are.

it feels like i have been holding back here for so long, keeping whatever creeping sensation this is inside of me. whatever it is. i feel like that a lot. as if there is something great and terrible being forged inside of me, but that i have no idea what it is, i can't concentrate on it for long enough, can't decipher what is occuring inside my soul. it scares me. autumn is here again, the leaves are covering my yard. i laid in bed with a girl today; it was intense. i felt like i was going to pass out. my vision went black. i want more than anything to tell you about everything that is going on in my life, inside of me, all of the adventures i've been having but none of it feels quite adequate enough.

when i was eight years old, i woke up terrified almost every morning. i thought that a large chunk of my flesh would somehow, unexplainably, fall off of my body over the course of the day. the one thing that terrifies me more than anything in my life is the idea that i might grow up to be nothing at all. i want more than to experiment with and use drugs forever. i still have passion in me. part of that passion is experimenting, but i still want to travel, i still want to see more, i still want to marry every-other-girl.

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