3:14 a.m. / June 10, 2005 - -
21x
wow, here i am again, early morning trying to chronicle my drug experience of the night. salvia divinorum extract, 21x. powerful. i remember holding my breath in, exhaling, and then the septic hill rippling and laughing and laughing and laughing. that was my first hit. i was talking in what i thought to be coherent english but what my friends told me was gibberish. i said that we were sitting in bleachers, that the chairs were a flat back instead of seperate entities, and that the umbrella was covering us all. i looked up and the umbrella was far too small to do this. i was confused. i laughed. i was sitting in this comfortable deck chair and it felt as if i was being compressed into it with tremendous force. my back was melting into it; i called it a troublemaker and stood up. things seemed fairly normal. i sat back down and it felt completely insane again. i wanted a notebook to chronicle my sensations. sometimes imagining what you would write helps you to remember. i can't recall everything, but i can recall much of it. there is a constant feeling of your vision being inadequate; you see normally, but you feel as if you should be able to see behind you. you walk normally, but you feel as if you should be able to walk in all directions at once instead of just one. there is a constant feeling of something heavy attached to my back. of something large and intimidating just behind me and to the right, also. something that is guiding me, telling me where to go, what to do, how to feel. i want to break free. i run. i stop, look around, and it's still there. i'm back at the table. i wonder if i even got up. time is distorted. i try to pose the question to my friends but they can't understand me. eventually i take another hit, after i was coming down. this time i walk far away, to a lone tree. i hold as long as i can, probably about forty seconds. i exhale. i laugh. i fall over. i crawl to the tree and sit crosslegged with it, facing it, telling it that it is a good tree, laughing. my friends get up and walk my way and instantly i feel as if i've done something wrong, now me and the tree are being transported on a flatbed. you laugh at what you are feeling, and then, when you think of how your friends will not be able to comprehend what you are talking about, when you think about how you will never be able to explain it fully to them, you laugh some more. i felt as if i wasn't really walking, i was just standing on a motorized walkway like the kind they have at airports, that i never really chose where i was going, that i was just an observer. sitting by that tree, i felt like there was a box inside of my head that i was living in while my body went places. i was trying to chronicle it, talking aloud to myself. that's as good as i can explain it. i found a notebook and tried to explain it. i'm sure i'll wake up, look at the notebook, and feel exasperated tomorrow morning. hopefully this helps me somewhat more than yellow chicken-scratch.
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